Stupid.

Lately I've been tearing myself to shreds,
over how many things are going wrong.
Instead of praying for things to go right.

But I don't pray.
I play in the wind and hope for the best.
Help me out of this sheet rock.

I dream of things that belong in my life.
Things that bring me peace.
I dream of the dying hope that's never revived.

I'm sorry for the things I haven't said yet,
but I know they're coming.
The inevitable storm.

See I can't even think.
I can't tell myself how I really feel.
I just feel stupid.

You Couldn't Know.

There's no way you would know,
that I cry when I am up against conflict.
Or that I can't ever really let things go.

That I sit in my room and dream of impossible things,
that I paint pictures in my head,
because I can't do it on paper.

You couldn't possibly tell,
that I love more than I ever say,
because I don't know how to sound it out.

I love my friends more than they ever loved me,
and my family the same.
And yet I still have a hard time with commitment.

You'd never know that people are more important than things.
To me they are unspeakable treasures.
Even the ones I barely know.

You'd never know that I'm a hypocrite.
That I say things I don't mean,
because I'm afraid of what you'd say.

I also suffer from depression,
and the worst nights of my life could have been cured...
By just one person holding me.

But you wouldn't know that.
You wouldn't know that I listen to music to release my emotions,
because I know of no other way.

You couldn't know that I am one of the most interesting people you have ever met.
That I have a personality that you could fall in love with;
That I am a hopeless romantic.

You don't know that I get frustrated...
And that I am frustrating,
but I get still make you smile out of it all.

I bet you don't know that I love boys with tattoos
and piercings that still say please and thank you,
and kiss their mothers goodbye.

I fall in love too easy, without knowing how to fall out.
But you couldn't know that.
There's no way you would.

You couldn't know that I hate the way I look,
and I stare in the mirror and wonder if anyone could
look at me and still say, "I'm happy just with you."

You wouldn't know that I am pessimistic, optimistic, crazy, sane, passionate, lovable, sexy, adored, hated, thriving, frustrating, dying, bulletproof, miserable, happy, cheap, friendly, good, up and down, shady, honest, story-teller,  human and totally... utterly worth being with.

But you would know if you asked.

Our Unmade Mistakes.

And in this intense loneliness,
we find ourselves believing more and more every day.
Trying to find a way.

I believe so much in what I am,
that I bring myself down everyday,
in every way.

I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough.
I don't laugh the way you'd think I would,
I don't act the way you think I should.

I just want to make it better,
make myself believe I'm good enough.
But my heart makes it so tough.

Alone. I sit here wondering...
How it turned out this way, what happened to it.
It might be better, or just full of shit.

This is the best kind of fantasy,
when I'm with you.
Predicting your next move.

Pretending I know you more than I ever would.
I don't want to make myself look like a fool.
Placing bets in a unpopular pool.

I thought I figured myself out,
I thought I was okay with who I am..
But it's so much more with me giving a damn.

It's all unclear, and it's probably a bad idea.
You and me, so much you could take.
But I can live with this unmade mistake.

Every Day.

I wake up in my head,
and I hear you breathe.
I hear your shaking body as you laugh.

It hurts to wake up,
it just breaks me down into a million pieces.
Inches at a time.

I miss you so dearly.
Your voice. Your heart. Your mind.
Even though you are at peace.

Stay awake,
in my head.
Let your soul walk around and talk to me.

Tears don't even question my love for you.
My hands wet with promises I didn't keep.
I'm so sorry.

I want you back in my childhood.
With my barbies, and my computer games.
With your beautifully wrinkled hands.

I want to cuddle closely to your frail body again,
and hold your desperate hand.
I want to feel that warmth.

I can't say it loud enough or deep enough.
I miss you.
I never wanted to see you in so much pain.

No one really understands why I cry.
But you do.
You know that you are still in my heart.

Every day. Every moment. Every memory. Every word.
I know that Heaven exists.
And you wait for me with your wings and halo...

that are now finally visible.

Because You Love Me.

I just want someone to take care of me. 
So much to ask. 
Yet, I want it.

I want him to come home to a cooked meal.
We eat as we stare at each other from across the dinner table. 
He asks me how work was, I reply.


Then he picks up our plates,
places them in the sink. 
Grabs my hand and pulls me to him. 

We dance and kiss, 
as I smile... between our lips.
The happiness taking me under. 

I want someone who would go crazy without me. 
I want a beautifully, terrible romance. 
With fights, and tears, and so much love. 

It's all I want, here.
I want to fall asleep, naked in his arms every night.
With the window open.

I want someone to walk up and put their arms around me, 
as I wipe off the dinner table.
Speechless.

I want to try new and weird things. 
I want to be so in love that it hurts. 
I want. I want. I want.

I need to have him here.
I need him to help me grow up, 
and be different.

I need to have a mutual understanding, 
that we are unbreakable.
That we are best friends.

I need us to be different.
But so much alike.
So perfect together.

I want to see you smile just because I entered the room.
Because you want to spend the rest of your life with me.
Because you love me. 

What You Would Say to Stay.

What are these things I find so addicting?
I know they're addicting...
but so wrongly amusing. 

I gave up this cup of coffee.  
Poured it down this kitchen drain. 
Paid a visit to the criminally insane.

I see these habits get flushed away,
and still I find them so fascinating.
I'm still in this place of creating.

I know you and you know me,
I know you're so far, 
and yet I understand who you are. 

I know you'd dine on these, too. 
I don't know what to say. 
I don't know what is real and sane.

All this booze is next to me. 
Covering in this empty room,
And soon it will make my own tomb.

I'm so young. I act so old.
I try and quit these things that shouldn't be thought of. 
To brush the words that I wish I didn't think of.

I don't want to build you this wall. 
It's so damn tall. 
I don't want you to fall. 

Would you stay if I could stay?
If I could lay here with you and dream the day away?
If I could bring home the hay and change?

I smoked this last cigarette.
You passed my test.
Blaming it on my life and all the rest.

It's just me. It's just me.
I'm the only one here with this tipsy head. 
With this flimsy bed. 

I want you to rustle my sheets, 
and sink me down in the middle, 
play me that song of passion, write me that riddle. 

I just want you to stay...
For once, I just want you to be with me. 
And keep me. 

I just want you to wipe these habits from my mind, 
replace them with only your time, 
and watch them fade out with your chime.

And say what you would have to say to stay...

I Will Remember You.

When I was little,
love used to come so easily.
Now I have to earn it.
But never with you.
With your Patsy Cline ballads,
and your pumpkin pie.
I will forever be yours.
My heart will fly with yours
until you're done watching me.
I will forever stand by you.
And I will forever remember you.

Because I Had You.

I woke up this morning feeling the saddest I've felt in a long time...It hurts to think of everything you said to me,
and why you said them.
My mind it swims with these words,
and it's poisoning me.

What I am to you,
is not what you mean to me.
It will hurt for a long time now,
and I'm prepared for that.
You let me go,
and it still hurts.
I suppose we'll have to leave with what was left unsaid,
and what was said.

It kills me everyday to hear you say how I treated you.
I didn't treat you at all.
And if that's the worst for you,
you're in for a surprise.
Because what you thought I did wasn't bad at all.

There's been a change.
A change for you and me,
and you took a path to tear us apart completely.
You can really feel it when they take it away.
Take away all those years...
All those talks...
Those laughs....

Who was to say I wasn't going to come back to you?
Who's to say what my intentions were?
Who's to assume my actions?
It hurts.
It hurts more than you think.
And now I'm done feeling sorry for myself,
and what was lost.
I'm done making excuses,
because excuses are for losers.

And I believe I was a winner.
Because I had you.

We'll Burn.

If it takes my whole life,
I won't be able to describe this moment.
The moment of peace,
where the candle flickers on my face.
The sun is darker than this light
that we've created.
The music surrounds us,
and suddenly,
we're alone.

How pleasant are these noises?
That lift us up so gracefully,
and pull us back together.
I feel like I'm sinking,
and I don't have to reach for the surface.
Not with you here.
With you here,
I feel like letting go;
Lifting higher until we're gone.
Far from this place.

This passion will never leave me;
what I felt right here,
today.
Come lift me from this place.
We might burn in hell,
but we'll be together feeling this for
all of eternity.
I won't regret a single step further.
Further into this never ending bliss.

Change is going to come while we're waiting,
and nothing will be the same.
We'll breathe together,
and sink.
Our misery was made beautiful,
right before our eyes.
Come on,
hold tighter.
They're waiting for us in the fire.
We'll burn down there like we did up here.

Not My Fault.

I can't escape from the way this feels.
I know why you leave,
but I don't know why you come back.

You ruined what we all had left.
Now you come back like nothing happened.
Well thank you for all of this,
and all of that.

I don't know how I'll ever trust again.
How I can look at a man the same
because of you.
I don't care about what you have to say.

I'm done here. With you.
But I can't say that,
because it doesn't mean anything to you.
At all.

When do you think it's going to become clear?
Where you want to be?
Who you want to be with?
When will you get over this feeling?

I wanted you to be here for me,
but I grew up alone.
I raised myself on my own beliefs,
on my own hopes, fears, and prayers.

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore.
But I do know that I'm done trying here.
I'm taken over by this fear,
but I don't really feel anything. At all.

From here on, you can be here
or you can be gone.
You're just another scratch on my back,
on my life.

I love you.
I will always love you,
but you were not who you were supposed to be.
For me.