Hide. Fucking Hide.

Go and run.
Hide.
Life is so close and you run away.
What happens when they're right?
What happens when they're right about life...

Fuck you.
Fuck you- voices taming my mind-
No that's what you tell me.
Tamed.
Fuck you.
My mind is out of control.

I have no chance.
Body. Mind. Heart.
Cold. Fat. Wrong.
I'm still fucking hurting.
You look away like everything is
fucking
fine.

I smile once and everything is fine.
I cry twice and much
as each smile.
So fuck you-
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.

Go.
and Run.
and Fucking Hide.

Confessions

Confessions. These confessions.
I have nothing to confess.
And everything is put to the test.

I miss you.
I love you.
I want you.

I point to three different people that are changing my world.
I'm not the girl you thought you knew.
This is all something new.

Help me weave my pottery.
I can't live like this.
Not while I'm alone.

I've been alone for so long.
I just want a hand to hold.
A pair of lips to tell me it's okay.

So these must be confessions, now.
I suppose I must confess my confessions...
I need you in my life.

To tell me it's all right.

Stupid.

Lately I've been tearing myself to shreds,
over how many things are going wrong.
Instead of praying for things to go right.

But I don't pray.
I play in the wind and hope for the best.
Help me out of this sheet rock.

I dream of things that belong in my life.
Things that bring me peace.
I dream of the dying hope that's never revived.

I'm sorry for the things I haven't said yet,
but I know they're coming.
The inevitable storm.

See I can't even think.
I can't tell myself how I really feel.
I just feel stupid.

You Couldn't Know.

There's no way you would know,
that I cry when I am up against conflict.
Or that I can't ever really let things go.

That I sit in my room and dream of impossible things,
that I paint pictures in my head,
because I can't do it on paper.

You couldn't possibly tell,
that I love more than I ever say,
because I don't know how to sound it out.

I love my friends more than they ever loved me,
and my family the same.
And yet I still have a hard time with commitment.

You'd never know that people are more important than things.
To me they are unspeakable treasures.
Even the ones I barely know.

You'd never know that I'm a hypocrite.
That I say things I don't mean,
because I'm afraid of what you'd say.

I also suffer from depression,
and the worst nights of my life could have been cured...
By just one person holding me.

But you wouldn't know that.
You wouldn't know that I listen to music to release my emotions,
because I know of no other way.

You couldn't know that I am one of the most interesting people you have ever met.
That I have a personality that you could fall in love with;
That I am a hopeless romantic.

You don't know that I get frustrated...
And that I am frustrating,
but I get still make you smile out of it all.

I bet you don't know that I love boys with tattoos
and piercings that still say please and thank you,
and kiss their mothers goodbye.

I fall in love too easy, without knowing how to fall out.
But you couldn't know that.
There's no way you would.

You couldn't know that I hate the way I look,
and I stare in the mirror and wonder if anyone could
look at me and still say, "I'm happy just with you."

You wouldn't know that I am pessimistic, optimistic, crazy, sane, passionate, lovable, sexy, adored, hated, thriving, frustrating, dying, bulletproof, miserable, happy, cheap, friendly, good, up and down, shady, honest, story-teller,  human and totally... utterly worth being with.

But you would know if you asked.

Our Unmade Mistakes.

And in this intense loneliness,
we find ourselves believing more and more every day.
Trying to find a way.

I believe so much in what I am,
that I bring myself down everyday,
in every way.

I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough.
I don't laugh the way you'd think I would,
I don't act the way you think I should.

I just want to make it better,
make myself believe I'm good enough.
But my heart makes it so tough.

Alone. I sit here wondering...
How it turned out this way, what happened to it.
It might be better, or just full of shit.

This is the best kind of fantasy,
when I'm with you.
Predicting your next move.

Pretending I know you more than I ever would.
I don't want to make myself look like a fool.
Placing bets in a unpopular pool.

I thought I figured myself out,
I thought I was okay with who I am..
But it's so much more with me giving a damn.

It's all unclear, and it's probably a bad idea.
You and me, so much you could take.
But I can live with this unmade mistake.

Every Day.

I wake up in my head,
and I hear you breathe.
I hear your shaking body as you laugh.

It hurts to wake up,
it just breaks me down into a million pieces.
Inches at a time.

I miss you so dearly.
Your voice. Your heart. Your mind.
Even though you are at peace.

Stay awake,
in my head.
Let your soul walk around and talk to me.

Tears don't even question my love for you.
My hands wet with promises I didn't keep.
I'm so sorry.

I want you back in my childhood.
With my barbies, and my computer games.
With your beautifully wrinkled hands.

I want to cuddle closely to your frail body again,
and hold your desperate hand.
I want to feel that warmth.

I can't say it loud enough or deep enough.
I miss you.
I never wanted to see you in so much pain.

No one really understands why I cry.
But you do.
You know that you are still in my heart.

Every day. Every moment. Every memory. Every word.
I know that Heaven exists.
And you wait for me with your wings and halo...

that are now finally visible.

Because You Love Me.

I just want someone to take care of me. 
So much to ask. 
Yet, I want it.

I want him to come home to a cooked meal.
We eat as we stare at each other from across the dinner table. 
He asks me how work was, I reply.


Then he picks up our plates,
places them in the sink. 
Grabs my hand and pulls me to him. 

We dance and kiss, 
as I smile... between our lips.
The happiness taking me under. 

I want someone who would go crazy without me. 
I want a beautifully, terrible romance. 
With fights, and tears, and so much love. 

It's all I want, here.
I want to fall asleep, naked in his arms every night.
With the window open.

I want someone to walk up and put their arms around me, 
as I wipe off the dinner table.
Speechless.

I want to try new and weird things. 
I want to be so in love that it hurts. 
I want. I want. I want.

I need to have him here.
I need him to help me grow up, 
and be different.

I need to have a mutual understanding, 
that we are unbreakable.
That we are best friends.

I need us to be different.
But so much alike.
So perfect together.

I want to see you smile just because I entered the room.
Because you want to spend the rest of your life with me.
Because you love me.