Stupid.

Lately I've been tearing myself to shreds,
over how many things are going wrong.
Instead of praying for things to go right.

But I don't pray.
I play in the wind and hope for the best.
Help me out of this sheet rock.

I dream of things that belong in my life.
Things that bring me peace.
I dream of the dying hope that's never revived.

I'm sorry for the things I haven't said yet,
but I know they're coming.
The inevitable storm.

See I can't even think.
I can't tell myself how I really feel.
I just feel stupid.

You Couldn't Know.

There's no way you would know,
that I cry when I am up against conflict.
Or that I can't ever really let things go.

That I sit in my room and dream of impossible things,
that I paint pictures in my head,
because I can't do it on paper.

You couldn't possibly tell,
that I love more than I ever say,
because I don't know how to sound it out.

I love my friends more than they ever loved me,
and my family the same.
And yet I still have a hard time with commitment.

You'd never know that people are more important than things.
To me they are unspeakable treasures.
Even the ones I barely know.

You'd never know that I'm a hypocrite.
That I say things I don't mean,
because I'm afraid of what you'd say.

I also suffer from depression,
and the worst nights of my life could have been cured...
By just one person holding me.

But you wouldn't know that.
You wouldn't know that I listen to music to release my emotions,
because I know of no other way.

You couldn't know that I am one of the most interesting people you have ever met.
That I have a personality that you could fall in love with;
That I am a hopeless romantic.

You don't know that I get frustrated...
And that I am frustrating,
but I get still make you smile out of it all.

I bet you don't know that I love boys with tattoos
and piercings that still say please and thank you,
and kiss their mothers goodbye.

I fall in love too easy, without knowing how to fall out.
But you couldn't know that.
There's no way you would.

You couldn't know that I hate the way I look,
and I stare in the mirror and wonder if anyone could
look at me and still say, "I'm happy just with you."

You wouldn't know that I am pessimistic, optimistic, crazy, sane, passionate, lovable, sexy, adored, hated, thriving, frustrating, dying, bulletproof, miserable, happy, cheap, friendly, good, up and down, shady, honest, story-teller,  human and totally... utterly worth being with.

But you would know if you asked.

Our Unmade Mistakes.

And in this intense loneliness,
we find ourselves believing more and more every day.
Trying to find a way.

I believe so much in what I am,
that I bring myself down everyday,
in every way.

I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough.
I don't laugh the way you'd think I would,
I don't act the way you think I should.

I just want to make it better,
make myself believe I'm good enough.
But my heart makes it so tough.

Alone. I sit here wondering...
How it turned out this way, what happened to it.
It might be better, or just full of shit.

This is the best kind of fantasy,
when I'm with you.
Predicting your next move.

Pretending I know you more than I ever would.
I don't want to make myself look like a fool.
Placing bets in a unpopular pool.

I thought I figured myself out,
I thought I was okay with who I am..
But it's so much more with me giving a damn.

It's all unclear, and it's probably a bad idea.
You and me, so much you could take.
But I can live with this unmade mistake.